Saturday, June 9, 2012

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR HUSBAND IS CHEATING (AND A LIST OF POISONS THAT DISSIPATE ON AUTOPSY)

Lately it seems infidelity is epidemic, effecting mostly young and middle-aged people, for whom the prospect of love with one person becomes an unbearable deprivation in what we believe to be our one and only chance for happiness.  It is an old familiar theme which has played upon the human stage for all its history.


The First Couple Working on Their Relationship

Discovery of such betrayal begets sorrow, rage, more rage, the heaving of fireplace logs, marathon happy hours, and flat-out, wild-eyed insanity.  There seems to be no prevention for this sad eventuality; no amount of properly pleasing your mate will deter its delicious compulsion.  It is what it is:  a covert, magnetic slam-a-thon of fatal attraction, one which can only change everything and everyone in its wake.



The Heaving of Something Heavy Brings Temporary Relief


The Symptoms

1.  Noticeable in the routine of a cheater is the sudden attention to self-improvement:  wardrobe upgrades, weight loss, buff-up workout sessions, and careful grooming.  The extra toothbrush and mouthwash in the car glove compartment are little red flags.  Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes.

2,  Looking you in the eye becomes a constant avoidance.

3.  Suddenly your mate finds fault with your every word and deed, also known as justification for any marital straying.

4.  Your spouse becomes an Olympic prevaricator, lying about inconsequential matters, presumably for the practice.

I was kidding about the poison list, we all die soon enough.  I am reminded of the woman who tried to kill her cheating husband with cholesterol.  Can't you just imagine her:  "Here Honey, here's a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich and I didn't hold the mayo either.  Obviously they stayed together because they wrote a book about their ordeal.  Some folks last the trip through the wandering-eye years.  I only know I'm glad not to be young anymore.

   
Love Endures All Things (But if I were him, I wouldn't eat her cooking) 
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8 comments:

  1. Mental P MamaJune 9, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    5. All of the above.

    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 9, 2012 at 11:16 PM

    There is a virtual gigantic bouquet of flowers at your doorstep. Why are you not a published author(or are you, and I just didn't know it)?
    I am such a fan of your writing--with photos or illustrations, no less !
    This takes a bit of the horror out of accidentally clicking the t v remote and finding a Maury Povich talk show. That man should be arrested.

    LLC
    LLC

    ReplyDelete
  3. growing wild on waverly laneJune 10, 2012 at 7:19 AM

    You are too kind; and I agree about the junk TV. And we get to pay money for it now since everything went digital, plus we endure 80% more dementia-causing commercials in the bargain. I believe those commercials cause cancer. No joke.

    I love you too, Mental Mama!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. DarylJune 11, 2012 at 8:44 AM

    another brilliant post ... I'm glad I am not all that young anymore

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJune 14, 2012 at 3:51 AM

    I love your post but it should read spouse rather than husband.

    ReplyDelete
  6. growing wild on waverly laneJune 14, 2012 at 6:06 AM

    Infidelity is gender-indifferent, that is true. I used "spouse" in the symptom list, but for the title and purposes of illustration I went with the female victim (whose woes have been raining down on us locally).

    ReplyDelete
  7. abbJune 14, 2012 at 6:43 PM

    Another serving of bacon, my dear?? :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousJune 30, 2012 at 10:07 AM

    Contrived as it may have been, I'm often reminded of the scene in Titanic where the old couple is lying in bed together, lovingly (my interpretation) awaiting their demise...

    ...should we all be so lucky?

    ReplyDelete

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